A guide to filming your first commercial
As you prepare to film your very first commercial, you have to decide whether it’s about soap or cars. Statistics show that ninety-eight percent of American ads are for soap or cars. The other two percent correspond to a desire for self-realization that will never come true.
The most important thing to remember is that soap plus cars equals USA
The advertisement must include a man and probably a woman. The woman should remind us of our mothers. We should immediately think “soap” when we look into her eyes. She should wear a cardigan that looks like Valium feels.
The man should remind us of the concept of men. When he looks into the woman’s eyes, we should be able to tell that he is thinking “soap.” When he’s not looking her in the eye, we should be able to tell he’s thinking “cars.” The man should wear a button-down shirt that conveys the same gravity as the Lincoln Memorial.
It is possible that a child will be requested for your commercial. If he’s a good son, he should wear a football shirt. If he’s a Bad Son, he should be wearing a soccer jersey covered in mud and holding something dangerous, like a drone. It should have some semblance of what we in the business like to call a “personality”. If your ad requires a girl, please refer to Index B.
For soap commercials, we recommend showing the woman washing a pile of dishes. If your soap has traditional values, the woman should be smiling and the dishes should contain Campbell’s tomato soup. If your soap is more gradual, the woman may frown; a copy of “The Bell Jar” may be visible near the sink.
Remember, soap is fun for the whole family! Try to depict them having a healthy, soap-adjacent good time. Studies show that fajita night is considered the best time a family can spend. Fajitas are expected to make a big mess that forces everyone to clean up, highlighting the significant impact soap has on maintaining the tenuous bonds of the nuclear family unit.
Be sure to include one last shot of some shiny bubbles catching the light. Bubbles should be friendly, hardworking and patriotic. Bubble-free soap is like a son with a drone: untrustworthy and scary. If your soap contains less than fifty percent bubbles, you will be judged before a jury of your peers.
For car ads, we recommend showing the car driving on a long winding road. For reference, the road in your advertisement must be the exact opposite of any given road in Cleveland, Ohio, where sixty-seven percent of US citizens live. The winding road represents the unknowable economic future of a once great nation.
The person driving the car will probably be the man. If the woman is also in the car, she may be sitting in the passenger seat and smiling at the man or staring out the window, admiring how unlike the scenery the scenery looks like in Cleveland, Ohio. She can also be at home washing the dishes with soap (offscreen). If the wife is driving the car, she should either pick up her good son at soccer practice or her bad son at drone practice.
Be sure to include a final photo of the trunk of the car, which should be roomy enough to hold a whole host of items including, but not limited to, a cooler full of cold items, a kayak, and another car. The trunk represents security and unlimited abundance in the face of the unknowable economic future of a once great nation.
When your ad is almost done, it’s time to choose a tagline. A good slogan washes over the viewer’s brain, much like soap on a car to clean it after a long winding road. Your tagline can be anything you want, but it must contain at least one of the following words: “power”, “now”, “innovative”, “strong”, “America” or “crisp”.
If you follow these guidelines, the end result will be advertising that excites and inspires the modern American consumer. It’s like we always say: the power of your advertising now makes the America of tomorrow innovative, strong and, above all, crisp.